Hurt
by ACDiNosey
Summary: Short songfic based on "Hurt" sang by Johnny Cash. It's a grim day of the year for Gibbs...


**Small songfic. I remembered that song this morning whilst sorting out another songfic and thought that this one needed its own story. Hope you like it. Btw, I strongly recommend you listen to the song whilst reading this.**

**______________________________________________________________________________**

Gibbs hadn't turned up this morning. His phone was turned off. Never off sick, he had never defected, never let his team down. Concerned, Tony had driven all the way to his house. Today wasn't any day. It was sunny and cold, but for Gibbs, it was the darkest day of the year.

"Boss", Tony called, running towards the basement. The radio was on.

_I hurt myself today  
To see if I still feel  
I focus on the pain  
The only thing that's real _

There he was, sat next to his workbench. His eyes were hazy, his alcohol-induced stare focused on a picture on the table.  
_  
The needle tears a hole  
The old familiar sting  
Try to kill it all away  
But I remember everything _

An empty bottle of bourbon stood next to him, another one well under half-empty. "_It's one of those days", _thought Di Nozzo. Distant images from his childhood, buried behind years of repression, resurfaced. The bottles, the blows, the sleepless nights...

"Whatya doin' here Di Nozzo."

The agent walked towards one of the shelves, grabbed a mug, sat down next to Gibbs and helped himself to some bourbon.

"I remembered, boss." Gibbs lifted his eyes up and caught his agent's. The pain he read in them was unfathomable. "Kelly and Shannon's anniversary" he confirmed grimly.  
_  
What have I become  
My sweetest friend  
Everyone I know goes away  
In the end _

"I thought it'd get better, Tony, with time, year after year. But it doesn't."

Di Nozzo was touched Gibbs was happy to confide in him. He remained silent.

"Every day we put our lives on the line. What for? What's in it for us, Di Nozzo?"

_And you could have it all  
My empire of dirt  
I will let you down  
I will make you hurt _

"Every time one of us is down, I die a bit inside." He touched his chest with his closed fist. "I'm fed up with incessant trips to the hospital. Or the morgue. The plague, Kate's death, gun shot wounds, broken bones, explosions... I've had more than my fair share, Tony." __

I wear this crown of thorns  
Upon my liar's chair  
Full of broken thoughts  
I cannot repair 

After a minute's silence, he continued. "I know I'm not a great boss, Tony."

Tony interjected. "Boss, I don't think that's tr...". A great leader of men, caring and obstinate, discreet and understanding, that's how he saw Gibbs. The paternal figure that he needed, that they all needed.

Gibbs' answer came sharp as a knife. "Shut up, Di Nozzo." In his despair there was no space for a head slap, and Tony couldn't but notice its absence.

He pursued: "One day you'll take over Di Nozzo. You'll be a good boss, I know you will, I've taught you well." He took another long sip and poured some more bourbon in his glass. "Don't make the same mistakes I've made, Tony... I know you and I are both alone in this world... Just make sure you've got something, or someone worth going back to at the end of the day... Even if it means breaking the rules."

The senior agent smiled sadly. Gibbs could see through his team with disconcerting clarity. Tony felt guilty. In all those years he had supported and saved them, when had they last given him a helping hand or an attentive ear? He was the boss, and the boss never needed anything. Or so they thought, too absorbed that they were with their own problems and relationships. None of them had had any time for Gibbs. And yet he was always here for them. Selfless. Sacrificing what was left of him. Devoting his life to his team... _"because he has nothing else.",_ Di Nozzo thought.

_Beneath the stains of time  
The feelings disappear  
You are someone else  
I am still right here_

"I'm tired Di Nozzo. I'm tired of being the righteous, marine who does as he's told and saves the day. I'm tired of trying to be a hero, a better man. I've seen you all grow under my watch. You've all grown to be good agents. Yes, Tony, even McGee." The piercing eyes had glanced at him in a blue flash. "You will all do very well without me now".

Tony begged to disagree, but kept his comments for himself. Now wasn't the time to voice them.  
_  
What have I become  
My sweetest friend  
Everyone I know goes away  
In the end _

"I'm scared, Di Nozzo. Everyday I'm scare that I'm going to lose someone else, one of you." He sighed. "You're the best family I could have asked for."

"Thanks, boss." Di Nozzo responded, unable to find words to return the compliment.

"But honestly, Tony, on days like these, it's just not enough. It doesn't balance out with the void left by all these lives. The more I keep on and the more I lose. There's no end to it. And I end up in my basement, drinking my sorrows away, alone."

"_Not quite alone, today, boss." _Tony thought.

_And you could have it all  
My empire of dirt  
I will let you down  
I will make you hurt  
_

"I've let you all down too many times, trying to do the right thing. I've failed you all. I've let my team be broken down and sent away. I fail you all, every day."

He sighed again. He couldn't say anymore.

"No would you please leave me alone Di Nozzo, I've got more drinking to do. Alone."

Tony stood up and briefly put his hand on Gibbs's shoulder. The older man didn't move at the touch.

He walked all the way to the bottom of the stairs, turning his head to look back at his boss. Sitting alone. Head bent over the bench. Pouring himself another glass of bourbon.

_If I could start again  
A million miles away  
I would keep myself  
I would find a way_

Tony grabbed another bottle on the shelf and walked back to the table, pouring himself another glass. He gazed intently in Gibbs's direction. His hand made its way back to his shoulder before picking up his glass. Both men were sat side by side in silence.

Today was the day Tony would show Gibbs that they care, that he wouldn't let him down, that he would always look up to him. That he would always be part of his family.

Gibbs would be annoyed that he had stayed, wishing to be left alone. He would drink himself to oblivion and forget when his agent left. He would try to overcome shame and guilt and go back to work, hoping that nothing was said. He would keep on, silent and lonely.

"Thanks, Tony." His heart warmed a little.

"Any time, boss."


End file.
